August 11th

6 years ago today my life fell completely apart.

6 years ago today I learned what it felt like to feel completely alone.

6 years ago today my heart broke.

August 11th is always a day that involves a lot of reflection.  As time has gone by that reflection has become less devastating and more productive.  I have gained a strong testimony of a few very important facts.

First, Heavenly Father loves us each individually.  Bad things happen.  We knew that was a possibility when we came to Earth.  However, we are not expected to endure these bad things alone.  Heavenly Father is aware of us.  Even though I was convinced that I was completely alone in my pain I was not.  Heavenly Father almost immediately placed people in my life that lifted me and loved me even though I was broken and totally unstable.  He gave me incredible friends in my graduate program.  I think of them every day and am very aware of the role they played in my life.  They were the reason I got up in the morning and showed up to school.  They carried me through 2 years of graduate school.  I could not have done it without them.  He gave me a new job with a supportive coworker and students who had struggles that were just as hard as mine.  I had empathy that I hadn't had before.  I also had a family who stood by me and tried to understand even though it wasn't always easy.  Later I was introduced to a new ward who immediately loved me.  I don't even remember feeling new in that ward.  I was welcomed with open arms and now have friends that will last a lifetime.  All of these new people were not meant to replace what I had lost, they were meant to support me.  Then there was a career and more work friends.  How blessed I am!  I hadn't been asked to choose between new friends and Tyler, I was given new friends as a way to show me that I was loved and not alone.

Second, it's ok to keep moving forward.  I always hated the terms, "Move on," "Get over it," "It was meant to be," "It was God's will, "etc.  Those terms always implied forgetting to me.  I didn't want to forget.  That wasn't fair.  I decided that it became a part of me and I was a new version of me and it was ok to put one foot in front of the other and progress as a new version of me.  I am not defined by the accident, but I am defined by what I've learned.  I am now expected to use what I have learned to help others, and I try to do that every day.

Third, the Atonement isn't just for sins.  Jesus Christ suffered our heartache, our grief, our sorrows, our disappointments, our shattered dreams, our physical pain, etc.  HE KNOWS!  He knows what it's like to be Sarah trapped inside her head and drowning in grief.  He knows what it's like to be Sarah and all out of tears.  He knows what it's like to feel lost.  He knows what it's like to have concerns about being happy again.  We are not alone!  He gets it!  He knows!  I just want to tell everyone I see!  We are not alone!  No one on this planet knows exactly what I have been through, some people have experienced similar things but it was different for them.  They aren't me.  But, Christ suffered it for me.  HE KNOWS! 

Fourth, all things will be made right.  I don't know what that means exactly, and I've only had that confirmed to me over the last couple years.  But, Heavenly Father will make all things right in the life to come.  I will not have regrets, heartache, "What ifs", disappointment, sadness.  All will be made right.  I don't know what it will look like or feel like, but I know that all will be made right.

This August 11th is still lined with sadness, I believe it probably always will be.  This day holds a very tender spot in my heart.  I miss Tyler, and that's okay and always will be okay.

I can honestly say that I am a happy person.  I do fun things, I am successful, I have fantastic friends, and I have found someone who loves me and all the crazy that comes with me.  I am so excited for the future and all the adventures that will come!  I am thrilled that I can see a future for myself, that's a big deal for me.  Life is good.  It has its challenges, but it's good.  Someday I will be able to ask all my questions and receive answers, but for now I go by faith.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know me and will never leave me.