It's not about moving on, or getting over it...

I'm feeling the need to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for His tender mercies. He has blessed me with great friends and a work environment that makes bad days better, not worse.

Isn't it funny (not HaHa funny, but ironic funny) how you can be going along dealing with everything just fine and within a matter of 5 minutes you are curled up in a ball sobbing having lost all hope with old wounds feeling as fresh as the day they happened? I had one of those evenings last night. I don't think I'm doomed to remain in this dark abyss for months and months again, but it has definitely been major leaps backwards instead of the small steps forward that I've been used to. Just one picture and a few simple thoughts and memories brought my new found strength and determination crashing down around me. I miss Tyler. It's as simple as that. For some reason I was reminded last night that life didn't go as planned. I saw a picture of his amazing face with his goofy smirk and that did it. I haven't had a "moment" for quite awhile so I suppose it was just time. This just proves my philosophy on grief to be correct.

For months after I lost my Handsome every person I talked to would say, "It was meant to be," "Time heals all wounds," "Evenutally you'll move on," "Someday you'll get over it," "It was Heavenly Father's will," etc. I realize now (it took me a long time to be open minded) people were not saying those things to be mean or insensitive. Let's be honest, who really knows what to say in a situation like that??? I sure wouldn't have! Over the past 3 years I've had a lot of time to think on what each of those things mean to me. I won't get on my soap box now (because I could go on for hours) but to sum it up... You never "get over" something like I've experienced or "move on." Instead you learn to cope and eventually you become a new "normal", a new you. Tyler holds my whole heart, and maybe someday there will be room for something new, but he will always have a part of it. I haven't "gotten over it" or "moved on." I've adapted and it has become a part of me and is still shaping into the person I will become therefore it will always be a part of me. I've learned to cope, and looking at my life now I'm not doing too terribly at coping. I'm making small, yet significant, steps forward and occassionally there are days when I fall backwards and it seems as though all hope is lost. That's when I've learned to pray and I know that even though I feel completely alone my Heavenly Father hears me and he is the one person who truly understands.

As answer to my fervent prayers last night Heavenly Father helped me sleep soundly without any disturbing dreams and then gave me the strength to get up and go to work. Here's where we return to my first statement. Heavenly Father showed me tender mercies today by surrounding me with coworkers.... no.... FRIENDS, who care. It was only a matter of minutes before those I work with realized I was in a funk and as soon as that happened there was an outpouring of love and support. It was okay that I was not okay today. They were willing to listen and did not judge because it's been 3 years. Even those I've only known a short time were sensitive to my emotions. It was truly a blessing today to go to work (how often does anyone say that?) Instead of making a bad day worse, as happens in so many workplaces, my bad day was filled with a little more sunshine and hope. And while it didn't make the pain go away or get me back to "normal" it did help me conquer another day. It wasn't the answer I had asked for (that answer is impossible to give) but it was perfect. So, thank you Heavenly Father for hearing my prayer and knowing me well enough to answer it this way.