The Part Where My Brain Explodes

Don't feel sorry for me. Don't try to give me a pep talk. This is just a rant. I'm not having a pity party, I would admit if I was. So, pretty much my self-esteem is as good as it's ever been and I'm not feeling like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. Just sit back and enjoy the ramblings of the brain of Sarah White, because seriously if you look at it that way this may become quite entertaining.
I'm a school counselor. I spend my days talking about the future and goals (well, in the perfect world that would be what I do) with teenagers. "What are you going to do when you grow up?" Hmmm... What am I going to do when I grow up? Here's my advice of the week. Don't! Don't what? Don't grow up. Why? Too much to think about. Just stay in school forever, live in your parents' house where you will have good food and a nice secure roof over your head. Stay at that parttime job forever because it's simple and involves very little brain power.
Seriously, we spend so much time making kids think about what they are going to do when they grow up, but does anyone ever discuss what happens when you actually grow up? No! And, how do I know when I'm actually grown up? I am 27 and 1/2. Yep, I'm officially in my late 20s. What does that mean? I don't know! No one ever gave me a timeline. In less than 3 years I will be 30. 30! What have I accomplished in my life? What should I have accomplished? Am I falling behind my peers? I must keep up! Here's the brain exploding part (divided by category into paragraphs for reading ease. You're welcome.)...
Do I really like this career that I spent 6 1/2 years and who knows how much money studying for? Can I see myself doing this forever? No? Well then, what next? Do I have commitment issues? Why don't I love my job? Why am I not a better leader? How in the world did I become head counselor? (Purely by default, that's how.) Why can I not be a better delegator? Am I really a control freak? How did I get that way? Have I always been that way? Is that another charming trait I inherited from my parents? (Hi Mom! Love you!)
Do I really want to buy this house? Do I have commitment issues? Will I have enough money? Can I handle living on my own? Am I really grown up enough for this? I don't feel very grown up, and yet I am 27 and 1/2 so that means I should be a grown up. Right? Oh my gosh! What if this is the wrong house?
Now, what about that really cute guy? Pretty sure he's not LDS. Do I continue flirting even though I know that about him? Will I go out with him if he asks? Yes. Why? Because I don't date. Never! I understand a lot of that was my own choice, and I don't regret it for a second. But, I've been ready for 6 months now. He's just so cute. And he seems interested in me. If I wasn't a grown up I wouldn't have to worry about the whole commitment issue. Do I have commitment issues? (Are you sensing a theme? Because I am.)
I'm 27 and 1/2, shouldn't I want a family? Shouldn't I be baby hungry right about now? What's wrong with me that I am perfectly okay with not having children? It's the job. Great birth control! If you don't believe me come spend a day at school with me. Shouldn't I be desperately wanting to get married? Honestly, I'd be perfectly happy with several really fun dates. Do I have commitment issues? How will I meet any guys? The guys in my ward don't seem interested. The guys I'm surrounded by at work are either married, too old, or 12, 13, 14, or 15. Do I post my phone number on Facebook?
So, my conclusion.... I don't have one. Nope, nothing. The wide awake worrying from 1:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. this morning didn't solve anything, just increased the crankiness (aren't you glad you don't have to work with me?). The incredible weight loss (and hair loss to accompany it) has produced nothing. So, here I sit at 5:30 on a Tuesday night thinking. Not trying to solve anything, just thinking and stewing and pondering. Thus the brain explosion. To all you people on the verge of growing up... DON'T DO IT! Just stay where you are, because once you take that step there's no going back. And then you end up 27 and 1/2 years old with an exploding brain, thin hair, and baggy pants.
The end